Trust... and all it's difficulties.

I have a blatant problem with trusting people. I can't think of a single person that I trust unfailingly. There are way too many doubts and worries in my mind that keep me from being content for longer than five minutes at a time. There is something wrong with me, I honestly cannot accept any explanation that isn't the worst case scenario. I am given a perfectly good explanation that must be true (as it has been promised to me), but I go ahead and believe just what would make me want to cry my heart out. What do I have to do to be able to believe things people tell me? What is it like to trust so easily? I want to be able to hear an explanation for something bad and believe it. I want to trust in all the good things instead of the bad. I want to know that I'm not being lied to by the people I love most... I have the answers, I have the explanations, why can't I be satisfied? I'm trying, I really am. I'm reminding myself over and over that the people I love would never lie to me. But, it's so hard to believe that I can be happy... Help me.

Why haven't I been on here in 209302 years?

So, not a whole lot has gone on since last I blogged... Um, Sam got kicked out of VOCS (boo!) but, he got into an even better school (yay!). I had a few run-ins with Miss Oesch, aka, modern day Hitler, but I stood my ground and she's backing off a bit (I was nothing but polite, I promise!). Oh, and May Extravaganza was fantastic. Blaahhh, but, lately, I've really come to realize how much I dislike certain people... Who shall remain unnamed. But, the two people I am thinking of are obnoxious, pretentious, self-involved, fake, and overall unlikeable people. Oh well, I will just remember to keep my distance, I guess...

I am in Tehachapi now. I hate sleeping in other people's houses. I am fine in hotels, i just can't be in another person's home and sleep well.

So, about yesterday.

It was pretty sweet.
My mom stayed home, which was cool in and of itself.
But then she took Sam and me to Sizzler, so I was pretty ecstatic.
Seeing as it's my favorite restaurant and all.
But it doesn't stop there, oh no.
THEN she gave me 20 bucks to go book shopping.
I bought Choke and Dante's Inferno.
Then she surprises me with a Hannah Montana poster, bag, and valentine cards.
Hahaha, it was fantasitc.
OH! And a yoga mat too.
AND A SWEATBAND.

Hahahaha, stellar.
<3




Je T'aime♥

Birthdays and Disneyland.

Alright, so, I kind of forgot all about this. I don't even remember what went on while I wasn't writing in here, so I guess I will just go ahead and talk about my most recent bout of amazingness.
So, it was my birthday on the 11th, but I pretty much started celebrating on Thursday and didn't stop until yesterday. It was fantastic to have more of a birthweekend than a birthday. This is kind of how it went:

Thursday:I got to spend the day at Sam's watching Disney movies, playing Rock Band, and generally being awesome with him. Oh! And breakfast at Denny's, which was ace because that's my favorite restaurant. Totally sweet, I know.

Friday: The best thing ever, I got to go with Sam to Disneyland, my absolute favorite place in the world. We were there for, like, 280382 hours or something like that. We went on pretty much every ride. It was amazing. We didn't leave until I was literally falling asleep on my feet. Good times.

Saturday: I had an awesome party with a lot of my family, some friends, and Sam. King Leo's definitely has the best pizza you'll ever find. I had a great time chatting it up with everyone and receiving tons of gifts. I got, like 9999 gift cards to Best Buy, which was wicked awesome. I plan to use them all up tomorrow... Plus, that night Lizette spent the night and we stayed up until 3:00 in the morning, talking about who knows what.

Sunday: Things cooled down a bit and I got to chill at Gilbert's with all my new presents. It was kind of like still celebrating. There was cake involved.

And that, my friends, was by birthweekend in all it's superabundant glory.

panic attacks.

I hate when this happens. I woke up in the middle of the night, and was ready to just go back to sleep, but all of a sudden my heart started pounding, like it was fighting to get out of my ribcage. Then a wave of nausea hit that made me curl up in the fetal position and yell out for my mom. I couldn't really breathe, I could only really lay there and pray that it passed quickly. I could feel the blood rush through my arms like pinpricks and my head was lighter than air. The worst part was the fear. An implacable, but wholly palpable fear. All I could think about was how much I wished I was unconscious, so that I wouldn't have to endure all that panic and anxiety. I held on to my mom's hand so hard I could feel the blood pump through her veins. I had her put on some Bob Marley, which actually really calmed me down. This has happened before, but no matter how well I know the feeling, it always manages to turn me completely upside down. This one lasted way too long, in my opinion. I don't know what triggers it anymore, so I'm just going to hope and pray it doesn't happen again. I hate this…

Realization.

I realized something today. I watched something today that suddenly made clear to me the fact that there is no such thing as the "perfect body". There are just body types and what you find beautiful in each one. There's always something that stands out about everyone: she's got the perfect hips, she's got beautiful bones, her curves are amazing. You don't have to make yourself into a carbon copy of the things you see in magazines because there's something about yourself that someone else is wishing they had. But, we shouldn't wish for anything like that. It shouldn't be about thinking "If I looked that way, I'd be perfect" or "If I changed this, I'd be beautiful". It's about thinking "I love this about me and I wouldn't change a thing". It's hard, I know. Better than most, I'm sure. But, I think it's time we all stopped killing ourselves to get those angles and those collarbones just so. We are who we are, and it's beautiful.

So, it's official...

I'm pretty positive that I'm not Mexican at all, but British. I am waayyy to engrossed with U.K culture not to be. I came to this conclusion yesterday when I realized that Monty Python's Flying Circus is the greatest show ever made. I swear I'm moving to London...

But, anyway, nothing much has been happening, but I don't want to leave my blog with a meager two posts in however many days. So, I'll think of something to say...um.... I know! You all need to watch Scrubs. All of you. Seriously, if you watch it, I swear you will laugh your face off. It's THAT hilarious. I've been watching it religiously for quite a while now. So do yourselves a favor and laugh yourself to death with the doctors at Sacred Heart.

Also, if you didn't know, the HARRY POTTER DVD is coming out on Tuesday :D If I don't get it, I don't know, I may cry. In case anyone was wanting to buy me something just for the hell of it, there you go.