Saturday, May 30, 2009

The ground is not mine to walk upon.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm not all here. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I just get the weird sensation of not really... existing. It's a really strange thing to admit, I know, but it's always been an odd problem of mine. It's this thing called derealization, and I tend to get it in waves. Sometimes it's hitting me hard, and sometimes I don't feel it at all. I'm going through a wave of total cognizance of it right now, and it's not a good feeling. I sometimes wonder if anyone else has that feeling. I get a lot of insane notions in my head, now that I think about it. I feel like everything is out of my control, like I'm not a real person and my thoughts and emotions are controlled by some sadistic higher power. I want to be able to make myself feel safe and happy. I want to be able to go through just one night where I'm not out of my mind with anxiety. Why can't I make myself OK? Ugh, it's it's outragelously frustrating. I really run out of ways to calm myself down sometimes, and I would love to know what I can do about it. Maybe someday it will go away, but, I don't think it will be anytime soon...

1 comment:

Fl├╝ssiger Spiegel said...

Schizophrenic much?

Yeah I know what you mean…sort of. My feelings are not as extreme in this regard that you’re writing about.

You’re real enough…everyone you know has tangible proof of your existence. Try to focus on that fact…and that one fact alone when you feel anxious as bloody hell.

And…you may always have the problems that you speak of…but that fact alone doesn’t mean you’re alone.