Sunday, May 24, 2009

Hmm....

So, because a couple friends of mine have blogs, I now have an audience (theoretically). So, I have decided to, once again, take up blogging on a semi-regular basis. Let's see, the last time I wrote in here was March 5th. Quite a bit has gone on since then. Well, OK, not really. But the things that DID happen were pretty significant. Making new friends, considering marriage, rejecting someone for the first time, getting one week away from graduation, moving... A lot, and in a short period of time. But, I am not sure I want this entry to simply be a chronicle of current events in my life. I think I'd like to take this post and make it about things I've learned, not things I've done.

For one, I've learned a lot about myself. For example, I have always known that I am an insecure person, but it had never occurred to me until recently just how deep that insecurity runs. My self-esteem is so low that I fall in love with every bit of attention that comes my way. I'm extraordinarily weak when it comes to compliments and undivided attention. I know that I already have all the attention I should really need, since I have a boyfriend that lives with me, and whom I love very much, plus friends who genuinely enjoy my company and whose company I genuinely enjoy, but I feel like I thrive on kind words from people. From all people, I'm not talking anyone specific. Just anyone who says anything remotely complimentary or thinks I'm enjoyable to be around. Not in a romantic way, necessarily. Even from females, I am overly enthusiastic when someone shows interest in being friends with me. I take the attention and jump on the chance to be close to them, and I think I come off a little too strongly with that. I think maybe people get annoyed with me, and quickly, and so I don't have too many close friends. It's inconvenient, really...

Also, I have learned that I am no good with stress. They say a little stress is a good thing, but I crumble under pressure. I am so nervous about graduating and going to college and getting a job and possibly getting married that I am having panic attacks even more than I already had. I am in a constant state of anxiety and mania. I've always had a problem with derealization, but, lately it's been especially bad. I feel like I can't handle all these changes and newfound responsibilities. I'm not meant to be a grown-up, to quote a certain Irish genius. I'm simply not mentally or emotionally equipped to run my own life. I am not nearly independent enough. I am supposed to take control and be an adult, but I don't think I can. I don't think I can do all that society expects of me. I don't think I can get a hold on reality long enough to really make it work. I hate being weak and I hate being an emotional invalid. And hmm, this post is taking a really self-deprecating turn.

Well, maybe I can learn to deal with these things. Maybe I'll become enough of my own person to get things together. Maybe this blog entry wasn't a good idea, but at least everyone knows what's going on with me. You know?

1 comment:

Fl├╝ssiger Spiegel said...

Don’t be so down on yourself…you’re just inexperienced. Everyone grows up at a different rate; that ‘s a fact. You’ve not lived long enough to know how to handle some situations you’re in.
Haha yeah I can understand the idea of “oh they were nice to me I have to latch onto them” ‘cause I’m the exact same way…but I’m getting better. You will too.

By they way people do like you…if they didn’t you would know without a doubt. By the way nice to finally see your blog thingy.